In the first few minutes of the first episode of Colin from Accounts, the very funny Australian sitcom that Harriet Dyer co-wrote and in which she co-stars, her character impulsively bares her breast to a complete stranger while crossing a road. Dyer wanted it to be empowering and matter-of-fact, rather than sexy. A cute impulse rather than a weird act of exhibitionism. So they planned the scene meticulously but the clincher, the reason she knew she could get away with it and not alienate any women was, she says, because she happens to have “rather inoffensive breasts”.
Well, “rather inoffensive” happens to be our favourite breast type: smallish, firmish, free-standing – as in not requiring bra support – and 100 per cent natural. Breasts are everywhere now – side boobs, pumped-up cleavages, dresses slashed to navels, so we’re grateful to Dyer for giving us the opportunity to run through some of the other breast types.
Jellies On A Tray
These are very popular at the moment, very much on display and in a permanent state of light wobble. The small problem we have with them – it’s a fallacy that only men are affected by breasts, women are too – is that you can’t not look at them. Something about their instability attracts the eye even when you’re repeating to yourself “eyes up, eyes up”, and these days your waitress might have them or the woman in HR. A while back, we were all transfixed by men’s on-display buttocks in tighty whities showing over the top of their low-riding jeans, a fashion which at the time felt mildly intimidating. This is much the same, without the hygiene issue.
Football breasts
The classic enhanced breast, if the owner has not paid top dollar for something more authentic looking. Football breasts will typically appear very tight and will not move, should you accidentally brush them, and the contact will feel like you have banged into the fridge. And you might well risk doing this because they’re much more common than they were before, back in the day when we used to joke about them. No one jokes about fake breasts any more, we expect them. It has got to the point where you look back at a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow in a sheer top at the Oscars in 2002 and think “what was she doing?”. They were perfectly decent breasts, but just way too real-looking.
Proving-We-Are-Braless Breasts
Breasts that look good braless are the holy grail of breasts, but in these days of tit tape and silicone boost inserts a young woman may feel the need to demonstrate that hers pass the pencil test unassisted. This means flashing some underboob (a hint of the bottom of the breasts peeking out underneath a cropped top), or side boob. Both these alternative cleavages make women who are too old to join in feel nervous because there is no safety net. We’re also not sure we like looking at underboob; it feels a bit like seeing someone from the waist down in a photobooth – always oddly disturbing.
Plumb Line Breasts
So called because the cleavage is several inches long. The modern trend is for big personalities to advertise their plumb line and you score points for having a lot of breast and decorative bra on show. The more frontage the better.
Small man breasts
Men assume that women love cushiony Chippendale pecs but the truth is they make us think of Buzz Lightyear (hilarious) and dolphins (slippery and shiny); we’d rather a small man breast. The small man breast is to us what the rather inoffensive woman breast is.
Old Rocker breasts
As in Iggy Pop. A slightly saggy grizzled chest on an old-school, tops-off rocker is a badge of honour and more appealing to us than a hard worked on vanity chest. Unless you’re talking about Brad Pitt’s of course.
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May 10, 2023 at 11:57PM
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Why we're celebrating Harriet Dyer's 'rather inoffensive' breasts - The Telegraph
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